Saturday, September 24, 2005

To Kill or not to Kill that is the Question

Sorry I had to take a couple days off just to vegetate. Sometimes you need that. I did a lot of surfing and some research, but I just couldn’t settle on a topic, so I am just going to write and see what comes out. I always remain open minded when it comes to any topic, and actually I seek out the opposing opinion just to get a complete idea. Then I form my own opinion. I wasn’t always like this. I am amazed at the way I have changed my position on major topics. I think back to when I was 18 yrs old. The things that I would have fought (debated) with you about then, are the very things I feel opposite about now. For instance the death penalty, I believed an eye for an eye as a young woman. Now I am totally 100% against it. The reason for me just kind of dawned on me one day, probably about 10 years ago. If we are telling the world, our children and our society that it is unforgivable to murder someone, then who are we to make killing someone right, under any circumstances? Don’t think I haven’t played devil’s advocate and said what if some guy killed a member of my family? What if I were face to face with the pervert that molested my daughter/son? Your dammed right my first instinct would be to kill the bastard, right where he stood. I don’t think he’d have a right to breathe the same air as me. However, it would not change what happened. It would not bring back my loved one. Most studies say that after they interviewed the victim’s survivors several years after an execution, that most were still not “satisfied”. It didn’t have the effect that they thought it would, closure was still eluding them. That reason is because they still don’t have their family member, and they haven’t gone completely through the loss process. The passage of time doesn’t heal grief; it’s what you do with the time that matters. You must choose to move forward through all the phases of loss. There is no order per se or time limit either. Although sometimes we become stuck much longer than we should, all it takes is realization and you are on your recovery path again. You can’t omit any of the phases either, if you do you will still have that empty unfinished feeling. I’m sure you have all seen the steps or phases of grief but I will mention them anyway. Denial or Shock i.e. This isn’t happening, it’s not true etc… Anger, Guilt or Yearning i.e. why did this happen to “mom” it’s not fair! I should’ve taken the car that day, then it would have been me not him. I just can’t stop missing them etc… Sadness, Depression or Fear i.e. I can’t make it without them, how will I get by? Overwhelming feeling of dread, not wanting to do anything or see anyone etc… Bargaining i.e. if you bring them back I’ll do anything you want etc… Acceptance or Letting Go i.e. Forgiveness, moving on in a normal fashion (for you) you feel like yourself again. This doesn’t mean you don’t miss the person anymore, it simply means that their absence doesn’t disrupt your life as much or as often. Sure you’ll cry, my grandfather died in 1995 and I still cry because I miss him so terribly. It just doesn’t interfere anymore. You must remember also that those phases hold true with any loss. Job ending, marriage ending, relationship ending, a pet passing away, money decreased by a lot; anything that creates a loss in your life period. Forgiveness for me is the hardest to give. How can you forgive someone who has wronged you? What’s all this crap about they’ll always have power over you until you break the cycle by forgiving them. Strange though it seems it is the absolute truth. That is the longest and hardest for me. There are tons of reference to this subject all over the web, and also lots of support groups. It really helps to be around people going through the same thing you are. So the next time you think about the death penalty at least give my perspective a thought.